My normal style when I write is to go a traditional route. I write the beginning and then the bulk, and then finish up.
Rinse, repeat.
But this beginning I’ve re-written multiple times. And some of the bulk, too. This post has taken multiple shapes before arriving at the current version.
And it’s a bit lengthy. But that’s OK… as I had a lot to get out. So hopefully you can hang with me throughout.
It’s been a hot minute since I’ve truly blogged, outside of the monthly photo challenge. And while I usually enjoy said challenge, I miss the aspect of blogging and putting thoughts and other things out there. It allows me to put things into perspective and often see things from a different lens.
Also, reality is, it’s sometimes good to hold yourself accountable a bit and put your own thoughts and such out there. Especially when you blog!
LIFE
Here’s a bit more reality – I’m not getting any younger. That is a reality that hits every single day. Whether it’s creaks and aches, or just how tiring a regular day (if there is a such thing) can be.
For those of you in and around my age – give or take – do you remember being in your early 20s?
I do.
How many nights would you spend horse-assing around with friends, work during the day, booze it up a few nights a week, and then do it all over the next day? I know I took chances and unnecessary risks and sometimes I wonder how I made it this far.
Yet, I’m not sure I would trade it for anything.
Honestly, I wasn’t even that crazy. Among many of the friends I ran with, I was probably the safe one (depending on the crowd). Whether it was back roading and just having fun (remember, no internet – we actually used CBs!) to hanging out at the bar, we live life a bit.
In fact, I know many people who did things way worse than I did and are still kicking. Hell, some of them are probably still as crazy (or worse) than they once were!
But this is also where reality comes into play. Some of those people I ran with are gone. Some never made 50. Others might still be with us and not in the best of places.
That’s life. For good or bad, it’s how things are.
While I had a lot of plans for this post, I’ve decided to dial it back just a little bit and I’m going to base this mainly on health – physical and mental. While a lot of things can be part of this, I’m going to talk about my path and how I’ve gotten there.
I’m going to break this up as I go because there’s a lot when it comes to talking about health. But one thing is for sure – I am truly happy that I have good health insurance as I am utilizing it to make sure I take care of myself – physically and mentally. With the way this world is, one needs to make sure they take care of themselves. Make sure you breathe and see what will benefit you. Do whatever you feel you have to do to make you feel whole.
It’s not an easy task. I’ll get to the harder side of that, at least in my eyes, in a moment. First, the “easy” part – the physical aspect.
PHYSICAL HEALTH
Living with Diabetes
Goodness has a lot happened since the last time I wrote about living with diabetes. If you’ve read my blog, you know I’m a Type-2 diabetic.
At times, I control it well. Other times, not so much.
But, since I’ve last blogged about this, a lot has changed. I *finally* accepted that no matter what I did, I would trip at times. And that made my numbers go all over. That meant finally realizing that insulin wasn’t a bad thing. In fact, it was there to help me. And I don’t take a large quantity of it, but it has helped and I’ve learned to adjust the dosage if necessary.
Still, how did I get there?
My A1C has been all over the place for the past several years. For those who don’t know, your A1C is your long-term blood sugar readings. A few times over the past few years, I’ve gone beyond 10. That’s not good. I know this yet I have not always been good with things. It’s a vicious cycle. I work and work, but then feel like I can’t get ahead. Then I stress eat or I just end up not caring.
Again, not good.
For a while, my primary physician had been trying to talk me into insulin. But I kept pushing back. And why? Because I thought by taking insulin, I was a failure. You heard that right – in my mind, I was failing if I took something that would actually help me.
Because hey, I had been doing so well without it.
So I did research. I learned about insulin. I asked him questions through email. I finally accepted that this wasn’t a failure… far from it. In fact, it was something that would help me. I don’t want to lose digits or limbs later in life. So I need to be smarter about things.
It just happened to be the next step. And so, I went on insulin. And with that, things started to improve.
Go figure.
It also allowed me to get off Ozempic, which was awful for me. It played games with my digestive life, and despite having great insurance, it was so expensive. I’m one who would actually rather insurance money go to something I feel actually helps me.
I then figured out insulin wasn’t a failure, rather a success. That’s a change of thinking, eh? It’s just a step in life to help me manage things and make sure I’m not slowly killing myself. And what happened? Well … my numbers and readings started to go down.
So much so that my last blood work came with a 7.1 A1C reading. For me, that’s huge. The last time I was that low was September 2021.
That’s a long time.
Since 2021, I’ve had my numbers reach double digits multiple times. And here’s the thing, when you are battling something like this and don’t see immediate results (welcome to this day and age) it’s hard. And then when you don’t see results in a week or two, it becomes depressing. That’s where stress eating comes in. Or you stop checking your blood (see no evil, hear no evil!), which obviously isn’t a good thing. Next thing you know, your A1C is out of whack.
So things are going OK there. And it’s funny when your blood sugars are decently controlled – you have more energy and a better outlook. Go figure.
My A1C will likely bump up a little net time for a few reasons. But I’m still working on things and I’ll keep pushing.
Shoulder time
Many years ago, I played in a softball league that used to start games in mid-April. Anybody who has lived in central (and upstate) New York knows that the weather can change quickly in the spring. Anyway, had a game under the lights and was told I needed to catch. No problem. First inning, we go through warmups and I go to throw the ball down to second and … it felt like my arm went with it.
Ouchies.
It didn’t help that I didn’t really warm up. I mean, hell, I couldn’t have been more than 21-22 years old. Who, at that age, worries about these types of things. I should have. Since this happened, my arm hasn’t been the same. I learned to live with the sometimes pain of it. Alas, over the last year or so, it got worse. Sleeping on it was painful. Throwing the ball for the dog was tough. I’d had enough.
So I mentioned it to my primary.
I got into Ortho. I got a cortisone shot (which sent my blood readings way up for a couple of weeks). And I started going to physical therapy. And, as I am writing this, my arm feels better than it has in 20+ years. There’s still work to go, but I feel as though I’m on the right track. I have at least one more PT session (maybe a couple) and another visit with ortho to see if anything is next. One thing my doctor offered was some test with neuro to see if it’s something like that – but if it’s not needed, I will cancel that. I’ve been told it can be a painful procedure.
Pain isn’t fun, that’s for sure.
This has helped me in different parts of my life as I feel like I can do more without having to protect the shoulder. It will still take a bunch more time, I’m sure. But I’m on the right path.
Other aspects
Add to all of this but about a year ago, I started going back to seeing a chiropractor once a month, Just for some maintenance. The one I go to not only accepts insurance, but has built a trust. I’m skittish with certain things that chiropractors do, but with him it feels safe, secure, and no issues. This is important, too, as it’s a nice way to make sure your back and such are in sync with the rest of your body.
I definitely walk a lot, too. Blame (or credit) Harper for that, but no matter the weather, we get our two or three walks a day in.
And while I’d love to get my heart rate up a bit more, I’m not against just walking with her and letting her explore. After all, it’s one of life’s great joys to have an amazing dog.
Next up is truly trying to figure to drop some more weight. Over the past 3-5 years, I’ve dropped a bunch. It’s been a slow road, though. And that’s OK as it’s pretty much stayed off. Still, I need to find ways to get more off.
MENTAL HEALTH
Being real with myself
This section is going to be a little tough. And it might be a little raw at times. While I don’t consider myself a threat with any self-harm or anything, the reality is I’ve been in some low places. I battle – and that’s fine. But you can’t always do it alone.
Getting help isn’t a bad thing. But until you come to terms with that, it does look like a weakness or, again, a failure.
This part of my own health is probably the more important part of my current health journey. After all, if you can’t function daily because of stress, anxiety or anything else, what can you do?
If you had asked me 10 or 15 years ago about going to therapy, I would have laughed it off. Honestly, 15 years ago, I’d have never been able to afford it. My absolute issue was thinking of therapy the way society portrayed it – go lay on a couch and somebody asks you about your childhood.
Therapy has come a long way.
I know multiple people who have gone to therapy and speak highly of it. I know others who said it didn’t work for them.
I was torn. I didn’t know if I honestly wanted it. There is still a stigma attached to it and I tend to avoid things like that. And that’s probably because I don;’t shy away from things – if I do something and it’s helping, I will talk about it with others. So that stigma makes one think,
Part of that was scary. If I went to therapy and it worked, does that mean I’m broken? That something is wrong with me?
Far from it. After all, have you seen what this world is like?
At some point, I got curious. So I started looking around locally. I didn’t want to have to travel too far, but I also wanted certain things from a therapist if I took this step.
I started looking around. I found some different practices, but one drew my eye. I’m not sure why. It could have just been the way she described her practice etc. And, honestly, it may have been because as I read, I felt I wouldn’t be her normal sort of client. I still didn’t do anything.
However …
I’m one of those guys who has a ton of tabs open and I don’t always shut down my web browser. So … that tab honestly sat there for months. I’d shut things down my computer sometimes, and then all my tabs opened back up. And every once in a while. I’d come across the website, read it again and then slide away. Months went by and I finally decided to look deeper. I did a Google search to learn a little more and one site noted she wasn’t accepting new clients.
Well, shit.
At this point I actually felt ready. I didn’t care about any stigmas or anything. So, I said hell with it and reached out anyway. To start things off, there was a free phone consultation. I liked that because it seemed like a good way to feel out if I felt this was for me or not. I sent a quick email and kept it short and to the point:
“If any info is needed — the basis of this is anxiousness, trying to feel more fulfilled, organizational, and just the ability (or lack thereof) of being able to disconnect and appreciate things more. Just taking this step is a big deal in my own mind, so hopefully this is the right one!”
And it’s absolutely true – me just reaching out was a massive step forward for me. It went from seeing this person’s website to actually taking a step forward. And based on that, we had a consultation. And then we chatted. And I filled out a questionnaire. And, it seems, I said the right things. I set up an appointment and I took a step I never thought I would take.
I actually felt a lot of vulnerability. And not in a bad way – but in a way that was allowing my mind to accept that everything wasn’t perfect and that I couldn’t fix everything just by existing.
A lot of times I truly thought I could do that.
Here’s a secret – it didn’t work.
I had to accept that everything wasn’t perfect. I don’t want to say I hit “rock bottom,” but it’s the best way to explain it. I needed to come to the conclusion that I had to find a way to get help to fix things.
So I asked.
Let’s be clear, though. There are different levels of getting help. I feel I’m on the lower end of things. To me, it wasn’t life or death. To me, it was a way to find out different aspects of me and to find fulfillment. And I realize, too, this isn’t an overnight thing. It will require some time and some maintenance. And that;s OK.
But as I read about many other people and therapy, I realize I’m actually quite lucky. Sure, reaching out and getting some help is a big step and one I needed to do, but I also realize that so many others have it worse. Where therapy is a lifeline. And maybe me finally taking this step and taking care of myself will help me avoid anything major happening.
And things happen for a reason, right?
This therapist checked all the boxes for me – I didn’t want a male perspective, I wanted a female perspective; she took insurance (score!), and it was a more modern approach. Apparently some of the things I wrote out in the initial questionnaire resonated, too, as becoming a client worked out. I’ve been a handful of times since I initially went and I find it’s helped. I’ve found some clarity in life and a different viewpoint/outlook on certain things. It’s also made me realize life isn’t so bad.
There’s a lot of shit in this world. And you add every aspect where stimulation can come from – work, relationships, a million streaming services or channels, the political atmosphere, social media, sports, finances … should I go on? You add every bit of that together and the human mind and body gets taxed. A lot. And I’m not talking about money.
Before all of this, I would get highly anxious, stressed out, angry, or all sorts of other feelings. I’d be exhausted during a regular day. I would have a hard time concentrating and focusing on things that needed to be done. I would dive a little too hard into work and not so much into my personal world.
That’s not really a way to live.
And since I’ve started, all of that has improved. Vastly.
The sessions I’ve had have been informative and a way for me to express myself. And it’s funny, too, as I’m not ashamed or embarrassed about going – even though I thought I would feel it.
Timing, too, can be a major player. If I had done this 3-4 months ago, or longer, would I have felt the same way? Or, was the timing key when I made the initial contact?
It’s OK to take care of yourself. It’s not a bad thing to do things like this if it helps you live a better life. These are facts. You don’t need to fit into some stereotype because society says one thing or another. Be you. And take care of you.
THE HARPER EFFECT
I can’t talk about mental or physical health without talking about Harper. And though I thought I was going to go even longer, this post has already gotten super long … so I’ll tackle other things in a future post.
Harper is a massive part of my upswing in things. It doesn’t really matter what kind of day I have, when I get home and see her things change.
They truly do.
We walk multiple times a day. We hang out with one another. She’s my rock. And she really also seems to know when I just need her to be with me. And even times when maybe I don’t need it!
But, she’s my companion. We travel with one another. We hike and walk and go to different places. We go to baseball games and whatever else we can find. I skip a lot of things that aren’t dog friendly because I hate leaving her behind and I won’t leave her in the car for more than a few minutes usually (if I need to quickly run into the store etc).
But I’d be lying if I said sometimes it’s hard. There are times I just want to do nothing, but I have to walk her or whatever else. And in the end, it’s usually a good thing.
Remember the thing I said earlier about timing?
Same goes here.
I got Harper when I was ready for a dog. If I had gotten her a few years earlier, it might have been different. But I got her when I needed her most and it’s been a super blessing.
This weekend, we embark on a road trip together as we head to GeoWoodstock. I’m anxious about parts of it with Harper, but excited at the same time. Though I’ve been to a handful of GeoWoodstocks – the largest geocaching events in North America – this will be the first with Harper. I know it will probably be a weekend of eating on the run or whatever, but I’m OK with that. The beauty of the weekend will be that it’s with her. Where we can go, we will. Where we can’t, we won’t. And that’s all good. We will handle this weekend together, as we always do.
FINDING PEACE
I am sure I have a lot more to say about different things. This post got extremely long without me touching on some other subjects, which I plan to do in the future. My goal with this post was to let me kind of put some thoughts in order and, honestly, try and show to others who might look at things the way I once did, that taking control or getting help isn’t a bad thing.
It’s a really good thing.
Life is hard right now for many people. And the reason can vary for people – finances, relationships, work, personal life, political spectrum, health, family, friends and the list can go on. All of these items can be good for you or bad – and you never know what might be beating somebody else down.
I’ve simplified a lot of things. I have some projects I want to work on that will make personal spaces better. I enjoy being outside and cooking on my Blackstone. I enjoy music much more than I have for a few years.
And it’s allowed me to find some peace in life. My zen, if you will.
I know this much, I’m moving in the right direction and I feel better in most aspects of my life than I have in a long time. I’m in a much better place.
That’s a start. And a big one. And one I’m happy and proud about.
So I’ll end here … and if you’re still with me, thank you. I appreciate you reading and allowing me to take up a little of your time. I’ll now sign off with how Jerry Springer used to end his crazy shows – until next time, take care of yourself, and each other.
Side note: I realized I tackled some topics back in January with this post, but this is by far way more in-depth about certain aspects.
Feel free to leave a comment, or e-mail P.J. at hoohaablog@gmail.com. Also, please “Like” A ‘lil HooHaa on Facebook!
